Definition of boring

Reading a fellow blogger's post recently, and they commented about it being boring reading gripes about lack of money or sex. Shit, I thought to myself, that's pretty much my whole life!! And you've all heard me whinging about the sporadic nature of receiving an income in my little world of freelancing, so I thought I'd broach the other big no-no.

Sex.

Or the lack of it.

My marriage broke up over two years ago. And I've been very strong in the 'no post-break-up-sex' rule... not that there was much active temptation happening from the other party. And I will admit to a brief daliance (very brief) that was as much about breaking the link with my ex as it was about attraction to the other person involved. Not to say it wasn't good... it was. Very. Better than I remembered. And I thought I remembered pretty well. ummmmm where was I? hehe Ah yes, well there wasn't any connection with this person, beyond the immediate physical, so that was that.

So in the last two years I haven't met anyone I'd even honestly hope to go out with. And that's pretty depressing at times. But I'm realistic about these things. I am not the person I was when I was 25 and single. And for the most part, I'm thankful for that. She may have got a lot of attention when she walked into a room, but she didn't like herself very much. Now, I like myself a lot more, but I'm aware that I don't turn heads anymore. Which is freeing in some ways. I watch the way men look at my attractive friends, in an unapologetically lustful way, in the same way they'd look at a hotted up car. Or a state of the art sound system. Open desire in their faces. But what is it they are actually desiring? I find it discomforting seeing men looking at my friends like this. And I'm not sure if it is jealousy on my part, or anger that such open objectifying still goes on. Probably both.

In the last week I have had coffee with three male friends. One was the ex, as I mentioned. We are still friends, but we will never again be lovers. Another was an old workmate that I knew ten years ago. We met up again about 12 months ago in a funny way, over the Internet, when I was stuck at home with a broken leg. He is lovely, and we picked up our friendship like the ten years between had only been a week, but he is emotionally a wreck. I adore him, but I'm not attracted to him. And the final one... well, we have worked together for the last year nearly, and we swap books and music, and I think I'm like an older sister figure to him. He is five years younger than me (age isn't a factor for me), and very attractive. Romantic and always wanting to fall in love. He sees a tall beautiful european woman and he is in his own version of heaven. I adore him, and I'm attracted to him, but he will never know that. I'd hate to embarress him.

This blog isn't really going anywhere. I don't know if I want to meet anyone or not. I can't imagine anyone being attracted to me, and I'd be afraid if they were.

That blogger was right... this is pretty boring. Think I'll go to bed.

Till next time.